…painting and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I watched Love Actually with N yesterday and felt very jealous of Andrew Lincoln’s studio. Made me briefly reconsider my plans for my own. For a while I saw myself in there painting large paintings, organising storage space for them. Teaching again. Running ahead of myself again. It felt good while it lasted. I’m not ready. I do wonder if I will be again and that has made me sad. The small drawings I’ve been making suddenly felt very second best. The thought of my plans for my comfortable studio felt like the conciliation prize.

N has managed to cheer me up a little with a new book. I do really like the illustrations. They’ve reminded me that I can get excited about things smaller than four foot square canvases. That does feel better.

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