…for my comfort zone.

It’s odd how just as soon as I decided that 2005 was going to be a year of maintaining and staying still someone just gave a cosmic bellow and started to have other ideas. I’ve had my rug ripped out from under me and surprisingly I’m not sorry.

I do seem to be someone who has rather got in the habit of being forced to grow rather than letting it happen slowly and comfortably. I get complacent I suppose. I get to like where I am and am unwilling to look up and forward. Now suddenly I have no choice and oddly I find I’m enjoying myself. Not all the time by any means, but more and more of it. I very much want to learn about what I can do rather than what I can’t. Taking it easy for such a long period of time had it’s advantages, but I think at some point last year they’d been all used up. It was time to stop sitting on various sofas and instead get up and do a bit more.

The Beany was the first sign that things were getting better for me. I didn’t see it as getting better though, rather as a way of maintaining the status quo. Now I can see it as a step and an exciting one. I don’t know where it will take me, but I’m at least I am hoping for a journey now.

So I’m trying out a new way of being. As before it’s still about getting the balance right between doing and not doing. I’m not trying to pretend I haven’t been ill, or that I not still, but I am very willing to let in the possibility that I am getting better. After three weeks of little rest I am letting myself nap again when I need to, but I am also getting out a lot more and am not making decisions based on fear of what might happen. If I do too much and crash I will rest and reassess. I won’t rest, rest, rest and not find out where my limits are…