being me…
I feel like I’ve been struggling a lot recently with accepting things as they are in my life - not something I seem to be very good at. I hate having limits, I hate having things I can’t do (or only do with a great effort of will). I’ve been feeling that I have to appear stronger, healthier and more together than I am, that I have to paint a facade over myself because the “myself” underneath isn’t good enough. It seems I’ve learnt little over the last couple of years.
I really want to get back to basics, do (and enjoy) what I can. Work within my limits. A dear friend said to me the other day that it was best to play to one’s strengths. I need to practice doing that again. I need to work out what they are. I need to realise it’s okay to be me…
April 27th, 2005 at 12:50 pm
I know where you’re coming from with this. I’m trying to get back to basics right now, although for me, rather than play to my strengths, I am chosing to play to my passion, painting. I might be sh*% at it, I might not, but either way, it feeds my soul, makes me feel more balanced, more alive, more happy. So if you find, when you’ve finished excavating your creative soul, that playing to your strengths doesn’t work for you, try playing to your passions.
You’re a highly creative guy, that much is apparent from your blog, so I figure any direction you take is all good. We’re all little more than a work in progress at any given time in our lives, that’s part of the fun - like chiselling away at a block of stone, not knowing what form the stone has hidden within it, just chipping away, looking, observing, feeling, then suddenly, one day, something recognisable begins to appear - I for one am looking forward positively at the future of Michael Nobbs, and look forward to seeing where life takes you next. Ultimately, it’s all good, so long as we learn to perceive it that way.
Now back to a little creative core-excavating myself, good luck on your quest Michael…
April 27th, 2005 at 1:39 pm
Michael - you’re doing what millions of other peeps struggle to do everyday. You differ insomuch as that you’re appraising your situation and moving on (and make no mistake you are moving on even though you feel frustrated at the speed at which you’re travelling - AND you’ve taken stock of the direction you’re going lol).
We all need to reflect on the what’s and why’s of what we do with our precious time - shame it often takes a downturn in health (whether it’s our own or a loved one) or even a death to do it sometimes.
It can be very scarey to admit that you get tired or want something to change when the thought of relinquishing control terrifies you (that’d be me lol). Introspection can be a very good thing sometimes, if somewhat lonely.
I admire your frankness hugely.
Now go buy something nice off Amazon lol!
And tea!
Maybe a small slice of cake ….
April 27th, 2005 at 3:33 pm
Thank you Michael. You just inspired me to leave my crazed sketch pen (amongst the thousands of pieces of scrap paper filled with ideas that are claustrophobing my being) and have a lovely hot cuppa PG Tips. (On a beautiful, blue-sky spring morning.) Cheers. Ahhhhh.
April 27th, 2005 at 4:10 pm
I’m sure you’ll find that you have more strengths that you could imagine and that they are stronger than you could have thought. How many people actually seek to identify their strengths like you’re doing? You’re probably on your way to being more spiritually/mentally well than most people. I can’t help buy be happy for you:^)
April 27th, 2005 at 7:27 pm
In reply, what I wrote in my blog today :
There are many times that I can revisit the past and with hindsight say, oh well I wish I had done that differently. Then again, what does that serve? I can beat myself up about that or I can accept that I did the best I could at the time with the information and resources I had available. I am not blaming anyone and that includes myself. I could think that ME/CFS is in my life now because I overdid it in the past, I did not look after myself as best as I could and…the only thing that would happen would be that I become a sad person. The facts are, that there could be some truth in that but again, in the moment, in that moment, I made decisions with the resources and knowledge I had at the time.
This brings me in the present moment. Yesterday is history and I can learn from that, tomorrow is uncertain as I do not know what it will bring and that leaves the moment, now. I can give my entire attention to this very moment and do the best with the resources I have. I can rest, read, knit, listen, write …..a variety of options to do now………and thus making responsible choices are possible. Every little baby step towards a positive change will bring with it a momentum of changes in direction. That is why …this moment…..is very important.
DAILY QUOTE
Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.
Corita Kent
April 27th, 2005 at 9:06 pm
Hi Michael.
I’m a new reader (hey you dont have to cheer hehe), and wanted to say hi, so hi.
Also wanted to just offer one of those Not As Good As Real Life Cyber Hugs, since you seem to need one.
I really love your blog, and art, and link to you from mine. Hope you dont mind.
Well.
Take care,
April 29th, 2005 at 6:56 am
speaking of hugs…
sending you loads of hugs…
(((((((michael)))))))
hope you have a totally creative and chilled out day.
April 29th, 2005 at 10:10 am
It seems like you’ve come a long way anyway, though - I mean, you’ve published a magazine, come on! and another one on the way - you should really give yourself credit for that. It’s just your evil mind trying to convince you that you’re no good. Don’t listen.
April 29th, 2005 at 12:55 pm
accepting ‘what is’ is so hard - I’ve probably not got a job interview for something i applied for and telling myself ‘its for the best’ and ’something better will come along’ is really not cutting it at the moment!
I had a walk on the beach a few days ago and as I was walking I was wondering if the amount of judgement I have at the moment is connected to how much judging I’m doing of myself… there is so much judgement in I ought to be doing this or that …
April 29th, 2005 at 8:11 pm
Michael, you must surely be so proud of The Beaney? I do hope you are. We are always far too critical of ourselves because we have too much insight on the things we have choosen not to say and do. What should be a luxury can some times be nothing more than a curse. That said we always turn this to our advantage. Make these potential weaknesses into strengths and embrace our choices (I tell myself this again and again when I (routinely) doubt myself - it’s slowly sinking in I think!). Just reading your blog is giving me the courage to write my own!
My copy of The Beaney arrived today. I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with it! Diolch yn fawr!
May 1st, 2005 at 1:16 am
Of course it’s OK to be you, because you are TERRIFIC. Many years ago, when I decided to try to make a living as a writer, I began at a alternative weekly rag in South Texas. They let me write whatever I wanted and paid me based on word count. I tried features, personality profiles, music reviews, etc., and what I wound up loving was writing humorous (and short) book reviews under a pseudonym. After I found what I enjoyed, I refused to write anything else, even though people pushed me to write lengthy features articles that paid more. Sure, I could write the longer stuff with the more impressive byline, but it was such a struggle and not very entertaining for me. I remember explaining to them that the reason I chose the quirky book reviews, was that they came naturally — when I plopped myself down in the chair, that’s what came out. I was laughed at and told I was being ridiculous. But it worked for me, I wound up writing that column for 10 years, published it many places, including public radio. I continue to write what I want and I continue to be happy about it. I don’t think stuggle is a necessary ingredient to personal happiness. Michael, I truly admire your ability to share who you are and the way you seem to be so comfortable with yourself. Thanks for being here.