I’m feeling completely out of my groove.  It’s not that my routine was in great shape before my health took its tumble last week either.  I’ve been feeling rather out of sorts for months now.  The difference with before I felt so shitty and now though, is that I’ve had a week of hardly sleeping (or doing much of anything except wimpily moaning and groaning a lot) to take a long look at my life. 

It’s getting on for two years since I wrote this entry.  In it I decided to streamline my life, try less hard and hopefully to find some more joy in things. I’ve not done badly, but habits truly aren’t easy to shift.  I’ve managed to create a lot more shoulds and musts for myself of late.  It’s easily done, they sneak up on me.  I find when I start to feel more energetic my habit isn’t to do more of what I enjoy, but instead invent new (and usually MUCH less fun) things to do.  I fancy I can hear people’s voices criticising me for not doing more, being busier, being more productive, being useful.  Now, maybe these voices are only in my head (not really in my head you understand – I had enough of that last week), but they do feel very compelling.  Right now though, I want to contradict them.  I want to get back into my groove.  I want to draw, make more Beanys and hopefully enjoy my life again.

It doesn’t feel easy.  Drawing feels very alien again just now.  I feel like I’ve lost my connection to it.  I sat in McDonald’s treating myself to breakfast and feeling very uncomfortable trying to draw a couple chomping away on their own breakfast.  I had the wrong pen with me, my lines felt thin and ugly, nothing looked right.  I felt scared.  In the end I gave up and drew this thin, scrawny, misshapen bottle of fruit juice instead.  But a least I was drawing…