i found this photo…
November 17th, 2005
…of me, standing in my back garden. It must be about thirty five years old. I have many, many happy memories of that back garden. Playing there. Pitching a tent and camping out there. Swinging on my swing (just to the right out of shot).
Probably a little while after the photo was taken my father built me a play house. I loved my play house - my wendy house. These days I have another wooden building in my life, my studio. I remember when it was being put up a few years ago, I was constantly reminded of the happy time I had watching my father, with my brother helping him, putting up my wendy house. The excitement felt very similar. Both times I was lost in planning how I was going to fill them, what I was going to do in them, who was going to visit me for tea and biscuits in them.
Sadly, the similarities ended once the buildings were up and I actually could play in them. My wendy house gave me years of pleasure. My studio, in contrast, has never felt like home - it’s hardly ever been fun being in here. I don’t think it’s because one place was built for play and the other work. Rather I think it’s because I’m just not the same person I was in the photo. That Michael just had fun. I miss him. I want to learn to be like him again…
November 17th, 2005 at 9:00 pm
Appreciate your transparency. I was in a similar, {I think} place a few years ago except that most of my childhood memories of my father are not good ones at all. But there was a time in early adulthood that I was happy if not playful and that me was lost in the strictures of the far religious right - with whom I never felt much at home.
It’s so darn corny but the way I found that happier me again was to reach out beyond myself and get involved with others.
The front room of the house is my “studio” these days. I left an 18 year career to play in that room and I would have to say I am happy again, or at least more happy than unhappy.
November 17th, 2005 at 10:34 pm
Hi michael,
It’s so, nice to see a familiar place i spent a lot of my childhood in. I also remember the building of that lovely wendy house. And spending many an hour on your swing, and mine for that matter. I do agree, it was so much simpler then. Why when we are young we want to grow up and do grown up things and when we are here we wish for the simpler life and don’t look forward to being old?!! Hope you are keeping as well as you can. Would still love to hear your voice oneday the other end of the phone. Hope your Mum is well. It’s my Mums birthday tomorrow, we are going to Camberley for the day on Sunday.
I may of told you before, I can’t remember,
Bob Grant is back in the U.K., near Sailsbury, we hope to see him before Christmas.
keep your chin up, will speak again soon
take care
love
Tracy
xx
November 18th, 2005 at 9:49 am
Children’s perception of time is different to our own. They live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is without worrying too much about what’s going to come next.
Experience unfortunately teaches us that while something pleasant may be happening now, something unpleasant may lurk around the corner.
So instead of enjoying the now, we worry about how long now will last, whether what’s next will not be as enjoyable, will we be able to recreate the now again and will it be as good as this now.
Experience is very valuable in many ways, but often it makes it harder to enjoy simple pleasures because you become so preoccupied with what will happen next.
Good luck.
November 19th, 2005 at 4:58 am
That is sad that you feel that way. Sometimes it is hard looking at the person we once were, before life got complex. Hang in there dude.
November 20th, 2005 at 1:42 pm
Four year old Michael is still inside you, and longing for his big, older brother Michael to simply ask him to come out to play.
Little Peter does this with me all the time now. It was scary at first, but now it’s very cool.
Cheers,
(Big) Peter
November 20th, 2005 at 4:09 pm
I did laugh when you mentioned Wendy Houses…it reminded me of my first days at school when I was banned from the Wendy House for spraying all the girls with water…ha ha…simpler times.
mx
November 22nd, 2005 at 1:54 pm
In apartheide south africa our next door neighbour’s child had a wendy house which was electrified and had running water!
~~~
I was thinking a lot of your drawings and the way you ‘colour’ them in on you computer remind me of ‘colouring in books’ have you thought of buying some and just having fun. you can also get colouring in mandala books.
November 22nd, 2005 at 5:07 pm
your words bring to mind a poem i have
held onto for decades
http://holyjoe.org/poetry/bradbury.htm
November 23rd, 2005 at 8:28 pm
I often imagine Little Me visiting Big Me and being as thrilled at some bits of my life as I am wistful and nostalgic and envious of hers.
I remember recently being stood behind 2 little girls examining bottles of glittery nail polish and just how long it took them to pick just one colour (between them) and then hugging myself with glee at the thought of being able to buy every shade on the stand and being able to paint each finger and toenail a different colour. Little Me would love that too.
I don’t think we’re all that more grown-up as we think we are.
E